Today I made one of the most awkward decisions in my life.

I chose to give it up. I have fought my best, it's not as if I've did nothing.

through my joy and my pain, knowing there's a greater day; there's a hope that never fades.

I'm looking for that day.

Today I felt free.

Free from what has bounded me, free from what has drawn emotional strength from me.

Free from the grasp of aspirations, dreams, and hopelessness.

Free.

I have set myself free.

Today I played at the cambodian 56th independence day thingy. I was tortured by dances which made no sense. I played horribly (but no one knew xD) because of my thumb.

What a smart thing to do, to use a penknife to pry stuff open on the eve of the performance. seriously, I even had the hunch that bad stuff was going to happen.

The penknife slipped, and dived into my thumb. Then i was like "AWW. AWW. AWWWW. AWWWWW." I was stunned for a while; blood was pouring out furiously like no body's business. I was so scared...I wanted to cry but NO ONE was home anyway. I decided to suck my thumb to stop the bleeding it didnt work, causing me to consume salty blood. wth..

I ran it under tap water it didnt work. I was starting to feel dizzy...then I took out some ice cubes and I found this singlet lying around so I used them to stop the bleeding. After like 15 mins the bleeding finally stopped. I was so happy. like yay.
I started to feel ultra dizzy and almost fainted...I had the energy to grab some soya milk from the fridge to replenish my sugars and to get a plaster to cover my wound...before dropping dead on the bed.

Mom came home and was frightened because the floor was filled with BLOOD. seriously, it was pouring. blood. eww. She woke me up, put some ointment on my wound, and plastered it up. The cut was very deep =/ and to think I had to play the next day.

Fine, I managed to play today (though horrendously). It was so bad halfway I just wanted to give up, but I pushed on. It was horrible. Seriously, i think the cut was at least 0.5cm...almost half the thumb .__. it still hurts now =/


On the side note, I believe that I should probably give up on certain things in life, and refocus my energy somewhere else. This has been occupying much of my mental energy, and I don't even have the clue whether the other party is responding or not.

Right now I'm really tired, really tired, it was an exhausting day, and I just want to die...grhh...haiz...life is short...my time left is even shorter...I don't know where to head to...should I just give up everything here and leave this country forever? but i cannot bare to leave so many of loved ones behind, yet I know possibly this is the only way I can salvage myself. Am I being too selfish? Love, I believe, is what is holding me back. it's unbelievable, magical, yet hopeless in some sense. Should I just give up, and move on, or should I push on, yet possibly fail again?

GAH.

On the verge of succumbing to defeat - defeating myself by letting myself be defeated.

I lack the courage to do what I want to do; chickenhearted people sucks.

As the deadlines come closer and closer and become more and more of reality, I have 2 choices: CHIONG AR! or just give up and let my months of efforts go to waste.

I refuse to let go. I simply refuse to; I have worked my way to where I am today, and I want to determine my destiny, however, I guess I have to just surrender and really just put in my best foot forward.

I used to have this motto: if it's not the 90th minute yet, there's still a chance of scoring a goal; even if 90 mins can be up, there is still hope: extra time.

Running on extra time; my last chance, my last hope, my last shot, my last attempts. All in, and nothing less.

rebuilding my walls, so that I would be able withstand attacks in the future.

"I answered that I know there is a God because in Rwanda I shook hands with the devil. I have seen him, I have smelled him and I have touched him. I know the devil exists, and therefore I know there is a God." - Romeo Daillaire.

Perhaps I cannot agree less.

often, I decide to do something and i go on doing that thing, and unknowingLy i didn't expect things tO turn out other than i expected.

i Very much want to just say perhaps what should be the right thing for me to say; but i guess i'm too timid to do so and I fEar what is to come.

after all, no one's gonna beLieve what i say; it would perhaps suffice if i just believe in myself, that i won't lie tO myself.

papeR can't hold fire; the irony is that No one can see that fire that i am trying to hold; perhaps, the fire is only reAl to me and not to others. so be it.

i can't stand it when you are cold to me.
drives me crazy.
i hate you.

my name is neek and i like sheepyyy
I hope to fly one day so I can drop down from the sky and eat people. I think it can actually work =)

music perhaps?






my beloved
sandwich :)
joanna
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designer: vivienne
cheryl: basecode.
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