venture into greater heights. TIMELESS!

Monday, June 29, 2009

lol i haven't blogged in a long time.

27th june 2008.
decided to be lazy to walk to the mrt and took a cab there....13 dollars...grhhh
then i received an sms from lorna that she couldn't come due to certain matters...sad wasn't i? =((
we ran through the piece once, and it was fine...i just played anyhow so that i could conserve energy.
after the run through, i went shopping for plasters because the plaster i had with me was wearing out...went to international plaza...and i wanted to eat chee cheong fun but they didn't have it! i was so sad....x(

went back to CCH and decided to slack. had some catered macdonalds lunch and interacted with members of the band...heh they are fun people xD
they asked me for my age...i said 1 years old...followed by 8 years old...and 110 years old...how pissed were they? xD asked for my name and i said RACHEL :D :D
i saw facepalms. =)
hanging out with people out of NUS high is kewl...I see life from a different perspective.

so...the wait for the performance began. thoughts just ran through my mind...i've put in so much effort for this...more than i've ever done before for a performance...come on, 4-7 hours of practice a day? it was crazy for me...and an extremely emotional journey. I gave myself so much stress...simply because i wanted to perform well. to me, this performance was like a deciding factor: if i do well enough, i'd continue going on. if not, i'm giving up; too tired of all these failures in music.

Toccata marziale was played. my heart was beating fast. there was no room for failure, to me.
I walked out on stage, probably not smiling. I meant business.
I played the first 7 chords...and was disappointed with the 8th. who cares xD
apparently in the tutti I was wiped out by the orchestra...but my role was to accompany the orchestra so it didnt bother me much...
the rest of the piece was okay...I made sure my melody soared while maintaining a soft left hand filled with NOTES. screw you rachmaninov. obviously i had slips here and there, and smoked some parts.
my most memorable smoke was composing 3 out of 4 bars because i forgot how those 4 bars were like except that i was accompanying the cellos. i resorted to playing random appeggios which are wrong anyway...and after the 4 bars i remembered the notes. it was SCARY. imagine that i forgot what was after that...1 month of toiling...gone? Thank God!
smoke number 2: last few bars. I couldn't play these few bars properly anyway...I only bothered practising them a few days before the concert...so it ended up rhythmically wrong xD but still the end was acceptable...so I have nothing much to say.

my favorite part of the performance? the development section. I knew i had to fight for the music to move. I fought and it turned out nice...in fact I've never played this emotionally on stage before. so I guess it was memorable for me...

overall? I rate this performance a B-.
I passed, finally.

goodbye dear friend i flew away@ 9:25 AM

Monday, June 22, 2009

stressed.

the only performances that I remember are the great ones:

1. Schubert - Impromptu in G flat major.
Year: 2003, 1st round of National Violin and Piano Competition

2. Bartok - Ostinato from Mikrokosmos
Year: 2003, 2nd round of National Violin and Piano Competition

3. Prokofiev - Suggestion Diabolique
Year: 2005, Ong Lip Tat student concert

4. Schubert - Wanderer Fantasy, 1st movement
Year: 2006, 1st round audition at Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

5. Chopin - Nocturne in E flat major, op 55/2
Year: 2007, 1st round audition at Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

6. Beethoven - Sonata in F major, op 54, 1st movement
Year: 2007, 1st round audition at Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

of course there are other okay performances which are acceptable.

My worst:

1. Beethoven - Sonata in F minor, op 2/1, 1st movement
Year: 2003, Finals of National Violin and Piano Competition

2. Beethoven - Sonata in D minor, op 31/2, "Tempest", 3rd movement.
Year: 2006, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

3. Chopin - Sonata in B minor, op 58, 4th movement
Year: 2006, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

4. Chopin - Prelude in D minor, op 28/24
Year: 2007, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

5. Beethoven - Sonata in F major, op 54, 2nd movement
Year: 2007, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

6. Liszt/Wagner - Overture to Tannhauser
Year: 2007, Pianissimo, Auditorium, NUS High School of Math and Science

7. Chopin - Scherzo no 1 in B minor, op (FORGOT LOL)
Year: 2008, Victoria Concert Hall.

Pending:
27th June 2009
Rachmaninov - Piano Concerto no 2 in C minor, op 18, 1st movement
SWS Youth in Concert IV
Singapore Conference Hall

not my first concerto performance, but I need this to break my curse. I've not played well in public for 4 years already, and a 2 year drought for closed audience.
ARGHH.

I guess I'm really putting myself in a tremendously stressful position.
I might snap anytime if I am not careful.

pull me through...

goodbye dear friend i flew away@ 9:32 AM

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Ah wells 2nd post.

Kinda lookin' forward to UNSTOPPABLE which starts on friday. I really want to reap the greatest harvest I can possibly reap in these 4 days.

I need to learn to overcome my fear. I haven't been doing anything confidently ever since that fateful day? I need to overcome this fear within me. Standing up once more and going all out - and not fearing about the results or consequences......I've yet to exhibit that risk again since that day. March 15th is a cursed day. Screw it. 2 years is enough? I need to stop fearing about losing and thus not putting in the effort I am supposed to put in in fear of losing another time.

I need to learn to forgive. All these hurt within me, all these immeasurable agonies all rooted from my unforgiving spirit - especially not forgiving myself. Time to let go huh? Why cling on to something that would only bring about negativeness and no good at all?

I realized that my walk in music had brought me all the different tastes of life - at its extreme ends. My close relationships with the teachers I loved, and yet betrayal from one. Putting music in the first place of my life had also been a disastrous decision - I lost all I had, gambled it all off. God's grace I had something left. My pride in many things as well - my wonderful musical lineages and the opportunities to work with the greatest musicians in the region - had led me into great delusions. Masquerading around that I may feel better, all for the sake of music? Sure, I've experienced my greatest joys through music, yet I have also experienced my greatest defeats and pains in music. What is this art? What is it doing to me? Or does the problem lie within me - that I was pursuing it for my own sake, instead of the true purpose that this gift was intended to be?
Although music had hurt me deeply, I never regretting falling in love with music. Whatever that I had experienced simply cannot be explained in words, for each experience is engraved within my soul.
Yet I must admit that music had drove me into depression. for 2 whole years. and I'm probably still swimming within my sorrows which seemed too great for me to bear. I have no idea how I managed to survive and still stand up straight today. For such pains had left their scars on my soul and probably, they would never heal. But the fact that I am still alive and kicking and functioning fine - demands only one possible explanation. Without you, I won't be here today. Thank you for being there, every moment I needed you.

Overcome - this word shall be my objective for UNSTOPPABLE.
I need to stand up once more, and stop rubbishing around. There's a time to emo and stuff, but there is a time to move on and stop all these rubbish.

Overcome is also the title of a song by Desperation Band. The story behind the song had touched me, and I realized that I am in a similar situation myself. overcome, overcame, and letting this come to past...

UNSTOPPABLE HERE ME COMES.

goodbye dear friend i flew away@ 9:19 AM