Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Today I made one of the most awkward decisions in my life.
I chose to give it up. I have fought my best, it's not as if I've did nothing.
through my joy and my pain, knowing there's a greater day; there's a hope that never fades.
I'm looking for that day.
Today I felt free.
Free from what has bounded me, free from what has drawn emotional strength from me.
Free from the grasp of aspirations, dreams, and hopelessness.
Free.
I have set myself free.
i flew away@ 8:39 AM
Monday, November 9, 2009
Today I played at the cambodian 56th independence day thingy. I was tortured by dances which made no sense. I played horribly (but no one knew xD) because of my thumb.
What a smart thing to do, to use a penknife to pry stuff open on the eve of the performance. seriously, I even had the hunch that bad stuff was going to happen.
The penknife slipped, and dived into my thumb. Then i was like "AWW. AWW. AWWWW. AWWWWW." I was stunned for a while; blood was pouring out furiously like no body's business. I was so scared...I wanted to cry but NO ONE was home anyway. I decided to suck my thumb to stop the bleeding it didnt work, causing me to consume salty blood. wth..
I ran it under tap water it didnt work. I was starting to feel dizzy...then I took out some ice cubes and I found this singlet lying around so I used them to stop the bleeding. After like 15 mins the bleeding finally stopped. I was so happy. like yay.
I started to feel ultra dizzy and almost fainted...I had the energy to grab some soya milk from the fridge to replenish my sugars and to get a plaster to cover my wound...before dropping dead on the bed.
Mom came home and was frightened because the floor was filled with BLOOD. seriously, it was pouring. blood. eww. She woke me up, put some ointment on my wound, and plastered it up. The cut was very deep =/ and to think I had to play the next day.
Fine, I managed to play today (though horrendously). It was so bad halfway I just wanted to give up, but I pushed on. It was horrible. Seriously, i think the cut was at least 0.5cm...almost half the thumb .__. it still hurts now =/
On the side note, I believe that I should probably give up on certain things in life, and refocus my energy somewhere else. This has been occupying much of my mental energy, and I don't even have the clue whether the other party is responding or not.
Right now I'm really tired, really tired, it was an exhausting day, and I just want to die...grhh...haiz...life is short...my time left is even shorter...I don't know where to head to...should I just give up everything here and leave this country forever? but i cannot bare to leave so many of loved ones behind, yet I know possibly this is the only way I can salvage myself. Am I being too selfish? Love, I believe, is what is holding me back. it's unbelievable, magical, yet hopeless in some sense. Should I just give up, and move on, or should I push on, yet possibly fail again?
GAH.
i flew away@ 6:42 AM