i.am.nub

2009-11-18T08:39:00.000-08:00

Today I made one of the most awkward decisions in my life.

I chose to give it up. I have fought my best, it's not as if I've did nothing.

through my joy and my pain, knowing there's a greater day; there's a hope that never fades.

I'm looking for that day.

Today I felt free.

Free from what has bounded me, free from what has drawn emotional strength from me.

Free from the grasp of aspirations, dreams, and hopelessness.

Free.

I have set myself free.

2009-11-09T06:42:00.000-08:00

Today I played at the cambodian 56th independence day thingy. I was tortured by dances which made no sense. I played horribly (but no one knew xD) because of my thumb.

What a smart thing to do, to use a penknife to pry stuff open on the eve of the performance. seriously, I even had the hunch that bad stuff was going to happen.

The penknife slipped, and dived into my thumb. Then i was like "AWW. AWW. AWWWW. AWWWWW." I was stunned for a while; blood was pouring out furiously like no body's business. I was so scared...I wanted to cry but NO ONE was home anyway. I decided to suck my thumb to stop the bleeding it didnt work, causing me to consume salty blood. wth..

I ran it under tap water it didnt work. I was starting to feel dizzy...then I took out some ice cubes and I found this singlet lying around so I used them to stop the bleeding. After like 15 mins the bleeding finally stopped. I was so happy. like yay.
I started to feel ultra dizzy and almost fainted...I had the energy to grab some soya milk from the fridge to replenish my sugars and to get a plaster to cover my wound...before dropping dead on the bed.

Mom came home and was frightened because the floor was filled with BLOOD. seriously, it was pouring. blood. eww. She woke me up, put some ointment on my wound, and plastered it up. The cut was very deep =/ and to think I had to play the next day.

Fine, I managed to play today (though horrendously). It was so bad halfway I just wanted to give up, but I pushed on. It was horrible. Seriously, i think the cut was at least 0.5cm...almost half the thumb .__. it still hurts now =/

On the side note, I believe that I should probably give up on certain things in life, and refocus my energy somewhere else. This has been occupying much of my mental energy, and I don't even have the clue whether the other party is responding or not.

Right now I'm really tired, really tired, it was an exhausting day, and I just want to die...grhh...haiz...life is short...my time left is even shorter...I don't know where to head to...should I just give up everything here and leave this country forever? but i cannot bare to leave so many of loved ones behind, yet I know possibly this is the only way I can salvage myself. Am I being too selfish? Love, I believe, is what is holding me back. it's unbelievable, magical, yet hopeless in some sense. Should I just give up, and move on, or should I push on, yet possibly fail again?

GAH.

2009-10-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

On the verge of succumbing to defeat - defeating myself by letting myself be defeated.

I lack the courage to do what I want to do; chickenhearted people sucks.

As the deadlines come closer and closer and become more and more of reality, I have 2 choices: CHIONG AR! or just give up and let my months of efforts go to waste.

I refuse to let go. I simply refuse to; I have worked my way to where I am today, and I want to determine my destiny, however, I guess I have to just surrender and really just put in my best foot forward.

I used to have this motto: if it's not the 90th minute yet, there's still a chance of scoring a goal; even if 90 mins can be up, there is still hope: extra time.

Running on extra time; my last chance, my last hope, my last shot, my last attempts. All in, and nothing less.

2009-09-29T04:02:00.001-07:00

rebuilding my walls, so that I would be able withstand attacks in the future.

2009-09-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

"I answered that I know there is a God because in Rwanda I shook hands with the devil. I have seen him, I have smelled him and I have touched him. I know the devil exists, and therefore I know there is a God." - Romeo Daillaire.

Perhaps I cannot agree less.

2009-09-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

often, I decide to do something and i go on doing that thing, and unknowingLy i didn't expect things tO turn out other than i expected.

i Very much want to just say perhaps what should be the right thing for me to say; but i guess i'm too timid to do so and I fEar what is to come.

after all, no one's gonna beLieve what i say; it would perhaps suffice if i just believe in myself, that i won't lie tO myself.

papeR can't hold fire; the irony is that No one can see that fire that i am trying to hold; perhaps, the fire is only reAl to me and not to others. so be it.

2009-08-24T03:58:00.000-07:00

i can't stand it when you are cold to me.
drives me crazy.
i hate you.

what?

2009-08-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

I am finding it hard to accept that no one seems to be believing me anymore, and no one seems to be supporting me anymore.

I don't get any damn support anymore, in fact, I've been questioned on my intentions of doing so. I've been discouraged from it indirectly, and it IS irritating.

I can't help to just break down at times, thinking of it. I know all these happened so that I will be ridded of this slowly but surely.

you know what? nothing can stop me, because this is what I am born to do! I've thought about it for a very long time, and I am sure that this is my destiny.
otherwise what were all these past sufferings for? nothing at all? I refuse to believe so, though I am being psychoed to believe so.

I don't want to please people. I want to do what I am here for. The purpose of my existence is to fulfill this obligation set upon me, for I know my existence is not by chance.
without anyone supporting whatever I am doing, I feel alone, I feel helpless.

but reminding myself of that purpose, that goal I am to fulfill in my lifetime, gives me hope.
I need to grit my teeth and just barge through every single thing in my way. This is my dream. My last chance would be almost over. I need to fight for it, through all these persecutions I am facing.
I hope one day they will support whatever I am doing again...

on another note, i realize that I am somewhat emotionally dependent on someone. maybe I should just let go..

2009-08-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

I think i'm going a bit too far. sigh.
I should seriously stop in case anything happens and that I will not be able to take it.
Lost, completely lost, and utterly helpless.
Perhaps I do not dare to face reality.
I really don't know.
Question mark, question mark, question mark.

i dunno o.o

2009-07-26T02:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i play the piano i feel myself spirited away. transported into a different world.
In a world where I am free to express myself in any way I would want to.
feelings of destitution, sometimes hope, anger, hatred, and love...sometimes a struggle against the Divine One...or just simply a struggle.
whenever I'm transported into this world, I would never want to come back.

but the music, however beautiful, must have an end. I've often struggled with this concept of "finale"; why must there be an end to something so beautiful?

in the same way the life that I live would reach a certain end.
one very day I will be judged how well I live my life here on earth.

I believe that I would live to see the Armageddon; day by day more and more signs are coming true, more and more of reality spits into my face.

Time is running out.

like how all pieces of music end, the world shall end as well.

On a sidenote, the day I played rachmaninov still lingers within me...at least it was something very special to me.

macbookpro

2009-07-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

macbookpro pwns :D:D

wheeeeeeeeeee

WHEEEEEEEEE

watched hairy porter on friday and i think it sucks. like...zzzzzzz dammit....

transformers better xD

wheee.

and yea the math seminar was crappy too, i learnt nothing from it =( except some random algorithm called chaikin algorithm.

grhh i am HUNGREEE NAO I NEED FOOD

and sheepy can fly :D

random post.

2009-07-14T03:27:00.000-07:00

I was thinking, what would I like to see on my gravestone?

A great accomplishment that could benefit the mankind? xD or just a simple line that goes "a great grandfather, father, and husband" LOL

okay this is random.

but this also forces me to think: what exactly is my purpose here on earth? there is only 1 life I can ever have, and would I spend it achieving my own accomplishments or would I spend it touching and impacting lives?

Winning the world, or winning, for the world?

This quote will forever follow me wherever I go: "In this world, not of this world, impacting the world."

how true.

my stand

2009-07-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

just a thought:

evolution - attempts of scientists to explain life without the explanation of a Creator.

creationism - attempts of mostly religious people to explain life with an Intelligent being at the back of it.

faith - trust you can have in religion. but the matter of fact is, science itself has become a religion - especially within evolution.

I can give you arguments for and against evolution or creationism for that matter, but it is really up to your faith whether you believe in which.

so, why do most scientists believe in evolution? because they want an explanation to life from an atheistic viewpoint, ie, no God is needed to make it happen. God makes no sense in science, because science cannot prove the existence of God, for science is limited and rigid if you look at it.

what is finiteness? finiteness comes from the infinity. put it this way: i can give you my favorite cube say, after an infinite amount of years, but the truth is, would you get it? nope =) and if I say, that there is an infinite amount of years before the present, it would absolutely not make sense, because 2009-infinity = negative infinity, and thus, we would be living in negative infinity. =)
thus we all compromised and believed in a point of the beginning. from this, you can see that time is finite.
if time is finite, matter is finite too. matter cannot exist without time, thus matter is governed by time.
matter, can arguably be made from energy with E=mc^2. the truth is, if the universe had a beginning, there must be something which ignited the start which came into today's existence through a finite amount of time.
finiteness cannot prove infinity, because the largest amounts of finiteness cannot prove infinity, yet infinity can prove that finiteness exist.
in other words, if there is no infinity, the finite cannot exist. finiteness cannot make infinity, only the other way round.
the atheistic view of life - asks for the evolution of life to occur without a Creator - but the point is, there has to be an infinity, otherwise, finiteness cannot exist, ie, there has to be a source of finiteness. without finiteness, whatever i am saying cannot exist.
The only reason why I believe in God today is simply because without the infinite of which finiteness as we are today comes about, nothing makes sense at all. for the finite does not exist.

2009-07-07T08:37:00.001-07:00

I still love you more.

random rant.

2009-07-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

just a random rant.

it feels sucky when no one supports you in a decision.

it leeches away all the drive in you, and sucks up all the confidence in you.

you think, "maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to do after all."

being in this situation is crazy.

but really, am i doing it for myself? it seems to point towards that, and i don't want it to happen again.

this is what you called a screwed up life.

rach 2?

2009-06-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

lol i haven't blogged in a long time.

27th june 2008.
decided to be lazy to walk to the mrt and took a cab there....13 dollars...grhhh
then i received an sms from lorna that she couldn't come due to certain matters...sad wasn't i? =((
we ran through the piece once, and it was fine...i just played anyhow so that i could conserve energy.
after the run through, i went shopping for plasters because the plaster i had with me was wearing out...went to international plaza...and i wanted to eat chee cheong fun but they didn't have it! i was so sad....x(

went back to CCH and decided to slack. had some catered macdonalds lunch and interacted with members of the band...heh they are fun people xD
they asked me for my age...i said 1 years old...followed by 8 years old...and 110 years old...how pissed were they? xD asked for my name and i said RACHEL :D :D
i saw facepalms. =)
hanging out with people out of NUS high is kewl...I see life from a different perspective.

so...the wait for the performance began. thoughts just ran through my mind...i've put in so much effort for this...more than i've ever done before for a performance...come on, 4-7 hours of practice a day? it was crazy for me...and an extremely emotional journey. I gave myself so much stress...simply because i wanted to perform well. to me, this performance was like a deciding factor: if i do well enough, i'd continue going on. if not, i'm giving up; too tired of all these failures in music.

Toccata marziale was played. my heart was beating fast. there was no room for failure, to me.
I walked out on stage, probably not smiling. I meant business.
I played the first 7 chords...and was disappointed with the 8th. who cares xD
apparently in the tutti I was wiped out by the orchestra...but my role was to accompany the orchestra so it didnt bother me much...
the rest of the piece was okay...I made sure my melody soared while maintaining a soft left hand filled with NOTES. screw you rachmaninov. obviously i had slips here and there, and smoked some parts.
my most memorable smoke was composing 3 out of 4 bars because i forgot how those 4 bars were like except that i was accompanying the cellos. i resorted to playing random appeggios which are wrong anyway...and after the 4 bars i remembered the notes. it was SCARY. imagine that i forgot what was after that...1 month of toiling...gone? Thank God!
smoke number 2: last few bars. I couldn't play these few bars properly anyway...I only bothered practising them a few days before the concert...so it ended up rhythmically wrong xD but still the end was acceptable...so I have nothing much to say.

my favorite part of the performance? the development section. I knew i had to fight for the music to move. I fought and it turned out nice...in fact I've never played this emotionally on stage before. so I guess it was memorable for me...

overall? I rate this performance a B-.
I passed, finally.

life sucks

2009-06-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

stressed.

the only performances that I remember are the great ones:

1. Schubert - Impromptu in G flat major.
Year: 2003, 1st round of National Violin and Piano Competition

2. Bartok - Ostinato from Mikrokosmos
Year: 2003, 2nd round of National Violin and Piano Competition

3. Prokofiev - Suggestion Diabolique
Year: 2005, Ong Lip Tat student concert

4. Schubert - Wanderer Fantasy, 1st movement
Year: 2006, 1st round audition at Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

5. Chopin - Nocturne in E flat major, op 55/2
Year: 2007, 1st round audition at Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

6. Beethoven - Sonata in F major, op 54, 1st movement
Year: 2007, 1st round audition at Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

of course there are other okay performances which are acceptable.

My worst:

1. Beethoven - Sonata in F minor, op 2/1, 1st movement
Year: 2003, Finals of National Violin and Piano Competition

2. Beethoven - Sonata in D minor, op 31/2, "Tempest", 3rd movement.
Year: 2006, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

3. Chopin - Sonata in B minor, op 58, 4th movement
Year: 2006, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

4. Chopin - Prelude in D minor, op 28/24
Year: 2007, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

5. Beethoven - Sonata in F major, op 54, 2nd movement
Year: 2007, Final round audition at Casimir Hall, Curtis Institute of Music, Philadelphia

6. Liszt/Wagner - Overture to Tannhauser
Year: 2007, Pianissimo, Auditorium, NUS High School of Math and Science

7. Chopin - Scherzo no 1 in B minor, op (FORGOT LOL)
Year: 2008, Victoria Concert Hall.

Pending:
27th June 2009
Rachmaninov - Piano Concerto no 2 in C minor, op 18, 1st movement
SWS Youth in Concert IV
Singapore Conference Hall

not my first concerto performance, but I need this to break my curse. I've not played well in public for 4 years already, and a 2 year drought for closed audience.
ARGHH.

I guess I'm really putting myself in a tremendously stressful position.
I might snap anytime if I am not careful.

pull me through...

2nd post.

2009-06-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

Ah wells 2nd post.

Kinda lookin' forward to UNSTOPPABLE which starts on friday. I really want to reap the greatest harvest I can possibly reap in these 4 days.

I need to learn to overcome my fear. I haven't been doing anything confidently ever since that fateful day? I need to overcome this fear within me. Standing up once more and going all out - and not fearing about the results or consequences......I've yet to exhibit that risk again since that day. March 15th is a cursed day. Screw it. 2 years is enough? I need to stop fearing about losing and thus not putting in the effort I am supposed to put in in fear of losing another time.

I need to learn to forgive. All these hurt within me, all these immeasurable agonies all rooted from my unforgiving spirit - especially not forgiving myself. Time to let go huh? Why cling on to something that would only bring about negativeness and no good at all?

I realized that my walk in music had brought me all the different tastes of life - at its extreme ends. My close relationships with the teachers I loved, and yet betrayal from one. Putting music in the first place of my life had also been a disastrous decision - I lost all I had, gambled it all off. God's grace I had something left. My pride in many things as well - my wonderful musical lineages and the opportunities to work with the greatest musicians in the region - had led me into great delusions. Masquerading around that I may feel better, all for the sake of music? Sure, I've experienced my greatest joys through music, yet I have also experienced my greatest defeats and pains in music. What is this art? What is it doing to me? Or does the problem lie within me - that I was pursuing it for my own sake, instead of the true purpose that this gift was intended to be?
Although music had hurt me deeply, I never regretting falling in love with music. Whatever that I had experienced simply cannot be explained in words, for each experience is engraved within my soul.
Yet I must admit that music had drove me into depression. for 2 whole years. and I'm probably still swimming within my sorrows which seemed too great for me to bear. I have no idea how I managed to survive and still stand up straight today. For such pains had left their scars on my soul and probably, they would never heal. But the fact that I am still alive and kicking and functioning fine - demands only one possible explanation. Without you, I won't be here today. Thank you for being there, every moment I needed you.

Overcome - this word shall be my objective for UNSTOPPABLE.
I need to stand up once more, and stop rubbishing around. There's a time to emo and stuff, but there is a time to move on and stop all these rubbish.

Overcome is also the title of a song by Desperation Band. The story behind the song had touched me, and I realized that I am in a similar situation myself. overcome, overcame, and letting this come to past...

UNSTOPPABLE HERE ME COMES.

first post!

2009-05-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

I was stoning a lot so why not this.

lemme try to be extremely boring.

today my mom woke me up at 8am I couldn't wake up. I woke up at 9 and realized I have one hour to practise before I rush to ulu pandan community club to rehearse the rachmaninov 2nd. decided NOT to practise because I wasn't practising for the past few days. told quek than i'd be smoking through and jerlin too.
it was 10.30am before I decided to leave my precious lover the computer.
I was almost late ._. FINE I WAS LATE. I walked from buona vista MRT to ulu pandan community club. couldn't find the place where the rehearsal was held. decided to call rasull. then I saw a sign to the SWS (singapore wind symphony) so I went there and I saw people in there so I presumed it was the right place.
Alas! it was the right place after all!
I had to play on a digital piano...:'( sob sob saddddddd i hate it i hate it i hate it. the feeling sucks. anyways I was smoking through real bad. smoked so hard I couldn't see beyond my glasses. =P

I reached home 1 hour late to teach my students. they were naughty today ._. zzz
and here am I stoning for the past few hours doing nothing but facebook and mousehunt..
what an interesting lifestyle..yay.

I PWN for being a nub.
I AM THE NUB. YAY.
gosh I am so freaking bored. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz